the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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