My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
