maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
