Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
