You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
