What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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