Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
