swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
