Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
