Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
