I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
