you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
