apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
