I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My pussy is not your playground.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
