Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
