I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
