then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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