OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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