you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
