you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Found your dick twin last night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
