I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was born a porn star she said
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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