I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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