I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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