he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
