he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
