Swine flu. Run for my life!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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