He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Oh god it's open bar.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
