I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
