I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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