just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
