I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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