When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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