I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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