i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
