I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Less talking, more tequila
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
