I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
