apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
