Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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