Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
