I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
