Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
