My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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