I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
