So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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