I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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