The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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