There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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