i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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