After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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