Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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