everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
