the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
